|A Hidden Scar
||[Sep. 11th, 2004|03:50 pm]
I hung up the phone.
I'd had enough of him in my life. It was time to move on and I had put it off for too long.
I had spent too much time trying to make it work when there was really nothing to work with. It was as if I was the puppet master trying to manipulate a puppet without strings.
And yet I still wonder...
He never did anything too terrible to me. I was never sobbing from an aching heart. Why was this break up the hardest of them all? He never hurt me or cheated on me. He never hit or physically abused me. He wasn't like my past lovers. All he did was love me for me. And yet it still wasn't enough...
I still feel empty inside.
I still question why he wasn't enough. It took a while for me to face the truth. Even though he was good to me and loved me, I truly didn't return his love. During the first few months it was easy to be blinded by the new love feeling. But that one day, the day it hit me all at once... i knew he wasn't enough for me to be happy. I knew I could not spend the rest of my life with him and be truly happy.
The odd part is that realization didn't upset me. It didn't upset me that HE wasn't the one. I was more upset at another failed relationship. I had fallen into the loop once again and the realization that in a few months I would never be speaking to him again and be with someone new definitely scared me... and more-so made me insanely depressed.
How did this loop even begin? And why do I keep on falling back into it? Actually i've never left the loop, so the correct question would be, "why can't i get out of this loop?"
I tend to come to the same conclusion and yet I don't know if it is the correct one. I don't even know if it is a conclusion or just an excuse i'm hiding behind. Am I even hiding? All I know is that after my first real relationship failed I have never been the same. The way it ended, the entire lie that was created and I believed really scard me more than i'll admit to most people.
Written on a whim to start off my writing, and yes it is fictional. :)